Your story of Experience, Strength and Hope:
I have sought comfort from sex for years…
My name is Patric and I am a sex, love and fantasy addict. I found SLAA just 3 months ago, after finding myself in the car at 4am one morning, en route to try and find the new man in my ex partner’s life; gripped by a mental obsession with a power that I never knew existed until that night. Not only could I not let go of the feelings that erupted within me,
I could not stop myself ‘thinking’ about them either. I would lie in bed and conjure all these thoughts about them together, waking up physically shaking with it all. What was it all about?
I am 6 years sober also in AA/CA from drink and drugs, but was on the verge of suicide, and found myself in 4 meetings one day, completely crippled with the grief/loneliness/fear/mourning that came with the withdrawal from the break up with my ex. I didn’t want to go on but I was sure I didnt want to end it either, but I could see no way out of the situation I had put myself in. I had reached the end of a road that I didnt even know I was travelling on.
I was using pornography daily and going to prostitutes to ease my discomfort but to no avail. I would fantasise about my ex. with the sexual ‘high’ lasting for a brief period of time and then find myself back at square one missing her, thinking about her, then wanting to use sex to get rid of these feelings. So the whole process would start all over again, like being on a vicious circle, on a ride I did not want to be on but did not know where the stop button was or where I could go to find it. It was the jumping off point that I believe I had to reach before
I realised how crippled I had become with sex and love addiction. I had no boundaries and, as a result, had no concept of what to do to get out of the pain I was in.SLAA has put things into perspective for me in relation to the dis-ease I have and the power it has over me.
Recognising my powerlessness over drink and drugs does not help me. The Step One process has to be around the addiction/behaviour/substance or whatever. I am unmanageable inside with myself before I start acting out with sexual activities, so is it any wonder that the high I get from sex and all other bottom line behaviours puts me into a greater state of unmanageability? It sets off stuff inside that leads up to insane behaviour, like being gripped with loss, then wanting to cause harm and turning it into rage, as that can give me relief also, just like drink, drugs, food, sex, flirting, all of it.
All of it is so Patric can get away from Patric and not have to be in the here and now.
Today, I have a sponsor. I am working the 12 Steps of SLAA, going to meetings and doing service: three fold illness, three ways to help keep it at bay, one day at a time. If you read this and can identify with what I share, I would urge you to get to meetings and listen to the people who are armed with the facts about the dis-ease they admit to having.
Listen to what they are doing, one day at a time, and follow suit.Life is starting to be worth living again now, slowly but surely. I still want to act out, masturbate, flirt, all of it, but I know where it takes me.
All the stuff I thought was not serious leads to the edge for me. I have to stop it all, and then some, for me to arrest this dis-ease I suffer from.Thank you for letting me in.Patric.