my dad was a violent alcoholic, and my mum had to kick him out when i was 2 years old..i think that must of destroyed me, as he was my everything violent or not…he was probably my first love addiction.
he came back when i was five.. which was the only time i remember really being happy..just one day, then he was gone again foreverhate grew in me after that..and i hid it all from every one even me..
my mum was usless to me, so depressed and sex and love addicted herself, she had no idea how unhappy i was..i became addicted to sugar as soon as i started school..it was extreme for me..even stealing from my mum every day and from children at school.i was a terrified lost unloved and already damaged little girl..fantasy moved in quick, and so did obsession.
I had my first love obsession at age 7. I just wanted to be loved. i was sexually abused twice and groomed for years.i really messed me up..i left home at 13, after my mum decided she rather live with her perverted boyfriend than me, so i went to foster home and started getting high on gas pretty much every day and cutting my arms to ease my emotional pain .i didnt lose my viginity till i was 15, but once i got a taste for it i was off.
I was in a childrend home at the time and there were boys everywhere.. and i wanted every one of them.i became addicted to sex, alcohol and drugs and wanted more more more.. it was such a release from my painful world, i felt so alone.
my sex addiction completly took over me ,and so was the drink.I would have phone sex, meet strange men for sex and attention, all the time.and even travel for it,i was desperate and very addicted..i hated myself.i probably slept with 150 men and about 15 different woman in a period of 5 years.i hated myself and i hated men. i continued with self harming , cutting myself, i wanted to die , and probably took at least 6 overdoses, which was mostly related with sex and love addiction.
by the time i was 21 the sex addiction died out.. and relationship addiction moved in , i would get so bored though with pathectic little boys, and often cheat on them for extra excitment.
my love addiction was always there , but the sex always got in the way..the love addiction got worse when i got clean and sobar.obsession and fantasy took over me in a big way.
my relationships over the past 5 years have been worrying to say the least , im a complete control freak , dont trust men or myself at all , hate men and myself, desperatly want to be loved, hate being on my own.. but cant stand needy men, which is all i attract… i always think im in control of the relationships, but thats just self deception. i use people to hide my ugly truths and i use sex to keep men where i want them.
the only time i allowed a man into my heart( and i cant believe i did) was my last love and sex addicted relationship, was very painful for me , because i liked this person , i dont know what it was about him but , he got my heart.. no man has ever got to me in the way he did.. he was a gentle soul.. but he was very unwell with his own issues as well.. and the realtionship was never really going anywhere, how could it , we had no legs to stand on, no foundation.. and very addicted ..it was on off , and on off , with me doing the decision making , i think anyway..anyway he got fed up, and probably very hurt.. and found someone else..thats when the truth really came out.. 4 me ..
i cant describe in words the pain i went through , knowing he was sleeping with someone else, sex was love to me, and he abandoned me .. emotionally i couldnt take it , i nearly relapsed on heroin , and really wanted to die.. i had no idea how attached and addicted i really was.. i tried to get him back in my bed for months, i was so desperate, truly truly..i couldnt live with out him, he was my higher power.. very dangerous.. and i couldnt have what i wanted , so i tried to destroy his relationships, with a few home truths..truly nasty.that was the turning point for me..something about doing that WOKE ME UP.and thats excactly what i needed.i had completly lost it.
i needed help and fast..oh hello slaa that just opened in my local area so i went, i hated it ,distusting, shameful ,horrible , i couldnt wait to leave..but i went again the next week , and i dont think i have missed that meeting more than once in the whole 7 months i have been going.. thats desperation for you..withdrawal is something like hell.. tramatic , very tramatic at times.hell at times..lonliness is a very black hole and one ive had to deal with and visit lots of times.fear is unlimited if i swim in it , and i have , ive been physically sick from fear since being on this programme. terror is closer.ive slipped at least 8 times, and ive been close today, doing my final coloum in resentments is very disturbing and unsettling me at the moment, facing the truth about myself is something ive never really done before.. and im scared..but im still here.. and thats the point .i meditate every day, and its my savour..but im fallable and i know it ..i have the best sponcer in the world , but im still fallible..
im here today and who knows tomorrow..but i have a heart today, im finding it, im finding love inside myself, real love , not just thinking ..i nurture myself , which ive never done before.. its a nice feeling ..i want to get well so so much.. but i still find it hard to let go…the love addiction is the hardest thing..im still in love with love addiction or something like that.but the letting go becomes a little easier, because i have more love of my own today..i paint, dance, and try to grow in the light of love , and of the beautiful and challanging programme of slaa..ill try to stay close to my heart and divine love and light , and hopefully i will be ok, maybe better than ok, maybe great!!