after another slip, of contacting qualifier,no motivation then other to ask him to buy my dog food, i yet again “trip” into the same cycle, of mayb it would be ok to meet him,i want a roast dinner and a cuddle, he wants me to use crack and suck his shrivelled piece, at the same time as bein repulsed, frightened, yet it bounces around my head and i consider! Yes, i am poorly of the mind, body and soul when it comes to this stuff!!!
how many times, when we will i learn any contact sends me on this cycle,I AM POWERLESS!!
ive wrote myself a willing to be willing piece,reminded of the abuse,of no contact, of him being ill, please angels help me with the cravings, help!! basically
i live out of london, no meetins,i let go of my sponser, i was dishonest with a slip, in fear of bein let go,yet i cant get well without being honest, i just cant, and dont wan to think i can get away from it!! yet i was in fear, of losing the sla spony , as im not able to go meetings and pick up anew one,i dont feel out on a limb, im not well, yet it seems i have to trust god on this, that if i put it out there, another person will again give me there valued time, ESH. Also, ex spony did speak our her own current space,that she felt wasnt in a strong postion to sponser me, so i came clean and let her go, i phone others in london, i leave my account of where im at, wishing them a good day, just to stay current, im currently doin step 8, na.
Cried this morning, liked i loved him , yet mixed with sadness for he is truly slave to his illness,his paranio, lonliness,fears, constantly seeking his next fix, a sense of not just letting go, yet knowing he is in his illness, he may nener recover, never experience peace,freedom, alignment with god,its very sad, and yes, i do care about him, what a waste of a human life. so im not well, yet doin wot i can today towards my recovery,havin faith,prayin to stay unhooked.
thankyou for being here, charlie