Romantic obsession

I would appreciate some feedback please. I’ve only been to 1 meeting of slaa.
I am a alcoholic/addict in recovery. Over the years I have really struggled with romantic obsessions, dependency and also sexual addiction that has been so painful that I relapsed into drinking and using again.
It’s been about a year and a half since I’ve been in a relationship and I managed to work through and let go of the very destructive sexual addiction that I was involved in. I have felt settled and I rebuilt my life with a new career and moved to a new job. I’ve been there 4 months.

However, I met a girl who works there and have completely lost my mind and abandoned myself. I spent the first 2 months admiring her but thinking nothing of it. Actually, I in truth have a negative belief system about myself and was convinced she would never be interested in me! However, she pretty much asked me out and made it clear she liked me. We have been out 3 times and nothing physical has happened it’s been nice, gentle and fun.

But the truth is I thought about nothing else but her. I dream about her ever night, she’s on my mind 24/ 7 – I have made her into my higher power totally. Even though things have gone well and I should experience this as a wonderful thing to have happened to me as she is very beautiful inside and out I always end up feeling really negative convinced now she knows me she’s gone off me in-spite of the facts which prove beyond doubt my thinking is wrong.

Also, when I have a date with her or know we going out I’m totally deliriously happy – on top of the world and when it’s over I come down- crashing down badly. I have become totally addicted to the feelings I’ve even lost my appetite and feel tense and diseased.

I’m desperate to control what happens and have feelings If she is not in my life romantically my life isn’t worth living! I know this is madness but its my reality. What makes it hard is we work together so I find myself getting jealous and wanting her attention.
When I get it I’m up again and when I don’t I’m down and convinced she doesn’t like me.

My apologies for the long post but I can’t get to a meeting at the moment due to location and work schedule.

5 thoughts on “Romantic obsession

  1. Ettienne1977 Post author

    Hi, you say you’ve only been to one slaa meeting and you’re unable to go due to your work schedule?

    My very first suggestion would be to make it your priority to get to a meeting, and if you literally can’t then what about the online meetings? www.slaaonline.org.

    If you can’t do any of this then maybe consider seeing a councellor who specialises in sex and love addiction and the 12 steps (they do exist I’ve looked at seeing one myself)

    What you’re talking about is not new or shocking to me or, I would imagine, any other sex or love addict, codependent or anyone suffering from low self esteem, but as you have done so much work already and are still finding you’re falling back into the same old pattern I think it’s time you got help from another source.

    Good luck and please don’t beat yourself up over this.

    Reply
  2. milo Post author

    I agree with the above, romantic obsession is like any other addiction, and can be just as debilitating. The sooner you get help the sooner your recovery can start. I would suggest in the first instance you try to get yourself to as many meetings as you can, be they face-to-face or online (at least 3 times a week is suggested in the SLAA-HOW programme, feel free to ask about this during meetings), and to see if you can get a SLAA sponsor. There are also Skype meetings you can attend, more info here www.slaauk.org/w2/meeting-list/online-skype-meetings/ .

    ‘God’ bless.

    Reply
  3. pooky Post author

    Hi Johnd11,

    I agree with the last post; please don’t try and deal with this on your own. Please see if you can find the HOW programme via a meeting. It will provide you with the daily support you need to understand and manage addictive behaviour. I think the key is to keep contact with group members as much as you possibly can and I’d recommend face-to-face groups as excellent for calming the addiction. There are plenty of stories at the back section of the SLAA handbook, which will also help you feel less alone in your thoughts.

    Do let us know how you get on. 🙂

    Reply
  4. Chris

    Hi I have been in slaa for a few months, I am a recovery for Alcohol, Drugs and Food as well, but I am also sex, love and fantasy addict who eventually becomes anorexic in relationships. After doing the first 37 questions in the HOW i struggled to find a new sponsor – and relapsed with a girl in SlAA and I can so identify with everything you are saying she ended up after a week of seeing each other after a couple of years of being friends going in to treatment. The week taught me so much many positive things to be honest but left me with a terrible obsession, because it was the most honest open and intimate time I have ever experienced. But the truth is I wasn’t ready for a relationship despite being fairly sober in the whole thing. Today after 26 years of not being on my own I know that to get recovery in SLAA i have to be on my own. I have finally moved out of loneliness into a place where I enjoy solitude and being on my own. Today I am trying not to live in fantasy, and wishing I could be in a relationship with an mazing if not a very Ill person. Today I accept if I love someone I want them to be happy and if they need to be somewhere else I have to love them and let them go. Today I choose to live in the solution not in the problem, and most definitely I have to accept I am not in SLAA to get well for a relationship I am in SLAA to get well and recovery Acceptance is the solution to all my problems, and today I accept I cannot do relationships.

    Reply
  5. james

    I am attending slaa after being casually unfaithful with my wife and admitting it to her. I fear to leave our “cosy” (it is not really cosy ! ) family arrangement to be on my own – but since attending SLAA – I must say I fear that possibility less. Thing is, because I was already a sex addict when I started this relationship, I believe it will be difficult to rescue it, and anyway , a by product of SLAA is that I am sort of feeling “encouraged ” to not feel I need to be in a relationship to justify my existence – which perhaps relieves me of one of my most crucial reasons for being in one.

    Having set my life up as an addict, I feel I can’t trust the path I am on!

    Reply

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