Nothing left

Hi, I’m new here and I really need help. From an early age I had issues with depression and anitixty. By my teens I had eating disorders, tried to kill myself a few times and barely had any realtionships with people – in any sense of the term. I first starting dating in my late teens and ever since I have found myself in more and more desfuntual realtionships. Till I reached the point with my ex where I was basically dead, I was abused in every way they could think off, my body and mind had nothing left. Eventally my family interveened and I ended up in a hospital for a while. Here I was given tools for moving on and I found out about codependancy. This was all a few years ago and my fear of getting hurt again, has kept me away from romantic realtionships, although I have been able to make some friends that I can trust. I started seeing someone casually and it was fine at first, they kept taking breaks from their active realtionship and I was the person they turned to. But then it kept happening and now 18 months on they are having a baby this week and I think that I am in love with this person after they shared my bed at the weekend. The worst thing is that I think I love them beacuse I assioate love with feeling alone, broken, used and feeling like I should die because I am not worthy of anyone actually loving me. I hate this, years ago I would have just overdosed because I couldn’t see a future with my depression and now I have a plan for my life and everytime I look at it I see myself alone. I don’t know how to fix this again, I not sure if I even should.I just read back what I wrote, I know I sound like a pathetic loser……..  

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3 thoughts on “Nothing left

  1. Fergus Post author

    Hi Paige sorry for all your confusion and pain. Try to get to a meeting if you live near one.Your not alone.

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  2. love4me Post author

    Dearest Paige please dont
    Dearest Paige please dont say that its just not true, you are a precious child of God, you are perfect in your imperfection as we all are. Would you ever speak to someone the way you have just spoken about yourself ? Never I am sure. You have been brave, and strong and amazing in reaching out and getting the help you needed. You have suffered a setback but this setback does not put you back to square one because of all the knowledge you have now acquired. You are right you think you love them….because of the reasons you stated but I am sure if you tried to list genuine reasons for loving this person you wouldnt be able to.  Keep looking ahead how can you use this situation to push you on and advance your plans? As codependents we are drawn to people we perceive as being stronger than us, in reality they are the weaker ones. We overlook the flaws in them but magnify the ones in ourselves. You can continue on your journey please dont harm or hurt yourself. I would suggest you see your doctor about your depression, could you join a SLAA group? Could you do some reading? You can get these books from the library or online. We must love ourselves more than anyone else, and until we get that right we will continue to look for love in all the wrong places. I am in a sexual/social anorexic  phase like you were, at the moment….feeling too scared & vulnerable to connect with people for fear of more pain….I will come through it but for now this feels the safest place to be. I have good days and bad but I too have plans for my life and for me. I am trying to be fulfilled in other ares of my life and  so far so good.Please take care 

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