Masturbation

I feel a bit awkward asking about this but it’s something I’ve been wondering about.As I am avoiding all situations where I can put myself in a stupid position, and also have deleted all my adult profiles to stop myself going there, I am then left with self pleasure. Now I’m not constantly ‘at it’ but I’ve always felt I’ve done it more than most people usually would. So that leaves me wondering if that too is part of the problem, I don’t feel in the slightest bit guilty doing it, that’s not my problem, I’m just wondering if the reason I do it is? I don’t know if anyone’s read Russell Brand’s ‘My Booky Wook’? His behaviour was remarkably like my own, and when he went into rehab, he wasn’t even allowed to masturbate as part of his recovery!Don’t get me wrong, I’m not asking if I need permission, because I think masturbating is healthy and come on, everyone does it, so should we abstain from that AS WELL, or cut down a little or what? Part of me thinks no way, it’s the only pleasure I have left and there’s no harm, but having read that if you use it not for pleasure but to control the way you feel such as doing it when you’re bored, upset, angry, can’t sleep etc, then you shouldn’t.I’d be grateful for your thoughts on this!

9 thoughts on “Masturbation

  1. RaymondBerks Post author

    Firstly I am pretty new to SLAA and have not yet fully started withdrawal, and what I say is just my opinion. Others further down the line may have different ideas. What I say may only apply to me and not to you. Having said that here’s what I think. In my case masturbation plays quite a role as my sexual acting out is very intermittent for various reasons. Therefore I masturbate frequently, 2 or more times a day, or at least did. Since I been involved with SLAA (about 4 weeks now) I have to come to realise that masturbation takes up time, energy and emotions. This may not sound like much but all of these can be important. Firstly, time. Masturbation can be surprisingly long. Not only is there the actual time, but also any setting up, getting to a private place, anticipating or fantasizing. Any kind of fantasizing or working up can add to the time, such as reading a story or looking at pictures. It might be that you’re just talking about 10 minutes before you go to sleep or it might not. It might be taking up more time than you think. Secondly, energy. Masturbation takes about as much energy as sex and who wants to do the dishes or any chore or read the SLAA book after sex? It could be distracting you from doing other important things.Thirdly, emotions. Even if you say you have time and energy to spare the emotions come into play.For my part the urge seems to occur quite often when there’s any kind of stress around. It seems that the emotions put into masturbation are diverted from emotions I might have to deal with, so it serves as an emotional distraction rather than dealing with feelings that are coming up as I move towards withdrawal. For me, I only found out by not doing it for several days and since I had hardly ever done that before and certainly not whilst looking what SLAA is making me consider.Previously I had thought it a harmless pastime that did no harm but now I realise this can be a major distraction from dealing with all sorts of things from chores to hobbies and dealing with emotions from myself and also dealing with other people. Well, that’s my thoughts. It may depend on exactly what you’re doing and how much, but my suggestion is to consider how much it’s affecting you. It may be more than you think. Raymond (Berkshire)

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  2. LostGirl Post author

    Hi Raymond, thanks for replying. I don’t feel with me that it’s a problem, sometimes I won’t even do it for days and then it’s several times. I think it only becomes a problem like you say, if it extends to other areas of your life, interrupting it. For me it’s a kind of release, but at the same time it’s not always used for a sexual one, many emotions can be it’s cause, and at the moment I see no problem as it’s not harming me or my life. I just wondered about different people’s opinions on it and thanks for sharing yours. Good luck with everything 🙂

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  3. Steve101 Post author

    My views on this are I think quite opposite to Paul, well I wouldn’t say opposite, but I would say its about understanding the appropriateness (I’ve had a glass or two of wine so excuse the poor spelling) of the activity. A real reason I am on here is otherwise I know I would be on sites that leads me down a road I have no wish to go down anymore so I guess for me I know I would of been on other sites and no doubt masturbating a lot this evening. Blunt there but Im being totally honest with myself. I guess as well its the appropriateness on a number of different levels.

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  4. Fergus Post author

    I am undecided about what role masturbation plays in my life. Certainly being brought up Catholic where it is a serious sin I have lots of shame, guilt and fear around it. I am not sure whether I am going to put it onto my bottom line behaviours that I wish to stop. I think that for me I don’t need to reinforce the negativity I already have about myself, my body and my sexuality. While I am recognising that there are good reasons to question why and how I use masturbation to “self-medicate”. I think I also need to be wary of “taliban” type thinking within slaa that seems to want to quash all sexual expression outside committed monogamous relationships. Their views are not neccesarily good for me. I am in a relationship and I suppose the only reason why I dont want to masturbate is because I want to be fully there for my partner when we choose to have sex. If as in the past I masturbate frequently my sexual desire is lessened and this means my partner isn’t really getting the whole me in the sex and love process in our relationship. I have no clear answers to the question but I think that I am going to try not to masturbate one day at a time. and see how things develop. I have only done so twice since I came to slaa. If I feel the desire to masturbate and if I can honestly say that i am not using it to block, self-medicate or to deny my feelings then I might proceed or I might not depending on my motivations. In the Irish language the old word for masturbation literally means “hand friendship”. If my masturbation is indeed “hand friendship” then I do not think it is a bad thing for me. Howeve as I said if it is to not feel then I think it might be negative for me.

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  5. bigfatfrog67 Post author

    I know this is an old post but it’s still a valid question.
    I think it is an easy one to answer but a difficult one to put into practice.
    If your masturbation, or anything else for that matter, is obsessive and compulsive then you have a problem, if not then go for it, as long as it is not hurting anyone else of course (a lot of porn is abusive to those taking part even if they are consenting; would they do it if they had other ways of surviving?)
    For a definition of Obsessive Compulsive then search online or even look at SLAA’s 40 Questions.

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  6. April

    I’m a twelfth grader and recently I’ve been noticing that I’ve been spending more time masturbating and watching porn than usual. I’ve been at it for almost 7 years now and there were times and phases where I was able to control myself but lately I’ve been doing it for more than 7 times a day. I don’t even go in for quickies any more. I go the whole way. A while ago, I used to tell myself that it wasn’t doing me any harm but now ? I’m not so sure anymore. I used to be this straight A student until last year and now my grades are below average simply because I no longer have the drive to study. I just want to feel good all the time. When I’m touching myself, I get so lost and preoccupied trying to make myself feel good, that I forget that I’ve assignments, essays to be written and college applications to be filled out. I want to be a doctor some day, and I’m actually a really intelligent kid and I feel as though I’m letting my life take a road to complete ruin. The sad part really is that I’m in a country where they don’t have groups like this one where I can talk to people about it and seek out help. My parents would never understand and I’m currently under scrutiny because everyone believes that I’m fooling around with this boy instead of studying. I’m not even with anyone. I’m killing myself slowly and I feel helpless too because how can one just stop doing something that gives them happiness ? I’m been diagnosed as depressed a few years ago and this is currently the only thing that gives me some form of release. I can’t even tell my closest friends because out here sex and masturbation are still taboo. Everything makes me horny. From just sitting and doing nothing to eating and watching television. Every thought I have is sexual now and I no longer have the space in my head for other thoughts. I’ve never had sex before so I’m just a masturbation addict. Sometimes this thought that maybe everyone’s the way as well tries to make myself believe that I don’t have a problem. I HAVE A PROBLEM AND I’M CERTAIN OF THAT. I have also noticed that I’ve a pattern when it comes down to masturbation. It starts with my period and that’s when I’m literally screaming out “Somebody Fuck Me!!” in my head as I’m doing everyday things. I love how blood looks on my fingers as I finger my pussy. It feels amazing. I use my dildo after that, and even when I don’t always cum from vaginal penetration I feel amazing being pounded that way. Each thrust just leaves me wanting more. I don’t really watch porn when I masturbate. I watch a little right before and have a quickie to make myself wet. I don’t quite enjoy porn as I used to. I’ve grown accustomed to it and it doesn’t turn me on as much as I used to get turned on by it three or four years ago. After my period I’ve this period of sobriety. I don’t even think about sex or masturbation for the next two days and I feel as though I don’t get wet enough on those days. Right after that this period of animal like sexual compulsions take over me and masturbate for hours together in one go. This goes on for another couple days. I basically masturbate everywhere in the house. I sext this guy too sometimes. He really turns me on. Then when I ovulate I masturbate the entirely day with gaps in between. School bathrooms, classrooms, I don’t really care. The car. I don’t care. I love touching myself. The funny part is that I don’t feel guilty while I do it. Only later when I realize that I have too many things that need to get done. After the ovulation there’s another period of abstinence. Two/Three days max. I even start to get turned on by looking at myself in the mirror after that. The way my nipples get hard and how they look or the way my long black hair looks over them. Everything sort of does it for me. Every phallic object is thought about and used. I even used my curling iron a couple of times. Even vegetables. I just, I can’t help it anymore. I really need help!!! Is it wrong to have an insatiable sexuality ? I simply haven’t had sex because I’m saving myself for someone worthwhile. Not being I want to keep my “virginity” and stay pure. I just don’t want to lose to SOME guy. It doesn’t even have to be the LAST guy. I just want it to be someone that loves me just as much as I love them. For now, I’ve to study for my exams and I really can’t think straight around books. Everything’s being associated with sex in my head and it’s starting to make me want to scream and cry at the same time. PLEASE HELP ME.

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    1. Pit

      hi april. I felt like I was reading my experience through what you wrote. Its unfortunate that I had the chance to read this only now( a long time after you wrote it). However I hope you’re better now. I only discovered this group yesterday and reading you gives me hope-that I’m not the only one facing the constraint or urge to masturbate regurlarly daily. Its getting me almost sick: in fact sick.

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  7. Kamran

    April, Reading your comment made me both sad (for the pain you are suffering) and also hopeful (that you have great insights to help you liberate yourself). In characteristics of sex and love addicts in SLAA it talks about how addicts sexualize guilt, shame, anger, loneliness, etc and substitute sex for nurturing and caring relationships. I too started down this path at the age of 12 and learned to soothe my anxieties and numb my pains with masturbation. Soon it became compulsive. I struggled with it for many years. I have had periods of great clarity and sobriety and periods when I slide back into escaping through sexual fantasy and self-pleasuring. it sounds to me like you have masturbate to cope with physical discomfort, pain, anxiety, etc. The important thing is to remember that will power alone will not cure this “disease.” The more you blame yourself for lacking will power the deeper you internalize it. I really appreciate your deep critical insight into cultural practices that drive young people into this form of self-expression. I wish you could participate in meetings, work with a sponsor, make outreach calls, and work the 12-steps. There are some good 12-step workbooks that you may find helpful. Working the steps can help us better understand the resentments and fears that drive addiction. I struggle with it too. Over the last five years I have had tremendous support in SLAA that gave me clarity and freedom from acting out. Right now, I feel I am sliding back again towards using masturbation instead of meditation and other forms of rigorous spiritual practices to help me. Responding to your comment is one form of service that helps me remember the things I need to do to stay focused and abstinent. I wish you all the best.

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  8. eddy

    I have been a masturbater all my life only having one short relationship in my mid twenties . I am now in my mid fifties and I watch porn and masturbate constantly. I f I do not do something about it soon I will never be able to stop.

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