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how to cope with the never ending lying?
26 August 2009 - 12:13pm — EJ30
I have recently found out that my partner has a serious addiction to internet porn, he spends hours looking, making lists with links of his favourite models, saving images on memory sticks.....When I initially confronted him he denied this was weird but is slowly coming round to the idea this is compulsive behaviour. He is full of good intentions but does not understand he can't do this alone. As an ex junkie I know good intentions crumble very quickly. It's the promises and the subsequent lies, betrayel and hurt that I'm finding impossible to cope with. Everyday he lies, and I understand why, but that doesn't mean I can cope.Please can someone help me with some coping strategies because I just want to walk out.Thank you
Thank you both for your
Thank you both for your insightful and kind comments, and simply taking the time to respond. We just came back from a wonderful holiday which was full of hope and promises, and then within 24 hours he was back to it. He was honest enough to fess up when I confronted him about it, admittedly I saw it coming a mile off, but simply saying sorry and "I can't do this by myself I realize that" simply doesn't take the pain away,the only thing he cared about is if I was pissed off with him, my feelings weren't even questioned. It may sound stupid but the fact he took the first opportunity he could after we got back is what really hurts the most, maybe that's stupid and it doesn't really matter if it was 5 seconds or 5 days after we got back, but it has really tarnished the lovely time we spent together. He felt hurt that when he was honest and apologized I didn't just smile and say "well that's ok then dear cause you've been honest", and has now decided he wants to do it all by himself because it seems unless I do exactly that, he can't have me around. So yet again it's his terms and my feelings don't count. Anyway I just walked out, I don't know how I feel about that yet, but whatever I feel like in the morning I'll deal with it. Maybe I should have been more understanding, supportive and just smiled but I'm not that perfect. He made his decision I genuinely hope it works for him.
Hi EJ30,His stance on this
Hi EJ30,His stance on this seems to be similar to how mine was. We cant force anyone into recovery. However, you can get support for yourself. If he really wants to stop then he will place barriers in his way, to stop him from using.He is probably just in denial at the moment, not really realising how much this is hurting you, and trying to minimize his actions.I think that you will find that during the holiday, it hadnt really crossed his mind (if you cant do it, you dont think too much about it ). However, once alone the tempatation recurs. If he said that he cant do this by himself, then perhaps suggest to him to look into SLAA or some books. There are some excellent sites on the internet aimed at supporting those with sex/porn addiction.Best of luck, Prof.
Hi EJ30,Internet porn is the
Hi EJ30,Internet porn is the biggest problem I have had over the years. At first it started out with harmless fun but then gradually began to consume all my free time when the wife was out of the house. It destroyed me, brought me to my knees, and caused me to start attending SLAA (not such a bad thing!).You yourself have already an insight to how he is feeling, being an ex addict yourself. You can't force him into recovery, but if he is willing to take steps to control is behaviour here are a few steps I have found useful with me :1. use an internet filter - not great but at least helps to some extent2. Block his sites using internet explorer parental control3. My wifes favourite - put the router in the back of your car when you go out. Drove me mad... However, Eventually it allowed me to realise the pain that she must have been suffering. Try and encourage him to attend a slaa meeting. Many guys there have had similar issues with porn and I am sure he will find solice there. Best of luck Prof
Hi EJ30, I feel the pain you
Hi EJ30, I feel the pain you are going through, please know that you are not alone! I am in a very similar position my husband is in recovery now. I have found the best coping strategies is to gain strength from the people you trust, and speak to professionals. I also find doing research into slaa, helps me understand what is now part of my life. I attended my first support group last week after 8 weeks of trying to battle these feelings alone, and it has helped no end.The one thing i have realised is that i have to look after myself. And i think this is so important for you, you have to gain strength from somewhere and look after yourself, you are number 1. Find a meeting and you will soon gain strength and realise you are not alone, and it will help you cope with you feelings. Take care and look after yourself. Cathy