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Where do I go from here
I am sat here and my heart is beating so loud I think is going to burst, I hope it,s okay me asking for help but I dont know where else to look for help. Okay lets try to explain.. 16mts ago I was a very happily married woman with a husband that I adored, then "boom" just by answering his mobile my whole world collapsed according to my husband it was just a brief encounter he had met her through a lonley hearts ad in the newspaper!! so for the sake of our children we decided to work things out all was great untill 5mts later I got up to get a drink of water and his mobile was flashing I took the number and asked him in the morning if there was a missed call on his mobile and he said no I rang the number and a woman answered the phone, and so the lies & stories begin again, the woman did say that there encounter was 2yrs ago but my husband had recently been on a dating website and had got back in contact with the intention of hooking up so many rows & tears followed I wanted to part but he suggested counselling but he insisted that he would like to go on his own I always presummed I would be involved at some point but I got told that the counsellor only wanted to talk with him, many cold nights were spent by me sat in his dam car while he was in with the counsellor but it was having a positive effect on our relationship he was so much happier so I buried my head and kept going all the while getting no feed back or answers to my "if you loved me you would'nt cheat" and "what did she have that I have not got" and my friends telling me I can do better plenty more fish in the sea (If only I did'nt love this man). Then last week I found a book with shall I say a fair few mobile numbers and in some cases addresses, I sat there with the phone in my hand shaking did I want to know... I just phoned about 6 before I realised I was just persecuting myself these were all women he had met on-line some went back years before we had met but plenty were as recent as 2yrs ago most took great pleasure in telling me they had unprotective sex. I was so calm I shocked myself and on telling him about my discovery came the biggest bomb shell he sat me down and told me that he had been having counselling for sex addiction and that with her help he has been in recovery for 12mths she has told him he now needs to attend SLAA and he has his first meeting this week, I am numb with pain... I want to pack my bags and run for the door and never look back, but if he had sat me down and said he was ill I would take care of him, help him, stand by him, is Addiction an illness?.....would I be a coward for running away from all this, He says he cannot make any promises but avoids using the internet when I am not with him yet one was met through a newspaper ad, he tells me that it was not about me and the children it was about sex, and that he loves us. Can he ever be happy just being married, I feel like if I stay with him I will spend the rest of my married life waiting for his mobile to bleep. He is sleeping in the spare room at my request because I need to think, we are doing a huge amount of talking but I think it may be to late, I am not here to point fingers or to upset anybody I just dont understand.
Hello, this is my first
Hello, this is my first comment and I have only just started attending SLA and so I will caveat that I am in no way qualified to give any advice but I will share my own experiences which are not dissimilar to your husbands, it might help. I had been in a long term relationship with my girlfriend but had over the years as the initial sexual excitement settled down started to seek excitement elsewhere. This started in a small way with dinner dates, drinks and no physical contact but slowly evolved to some physical contact but for a long time never sex until after a few occasions of sharing a bed together, again without full sex the line was crossed and then I would see new girls for sex - the thrill now needed more to be satisfied but I always felt terrible quilt and sadness afterwards. However it didn't stop me continuing. This was a slow process and not a constant, but I had found a few woman who were very happy knowing my situation and it suited them. For my part, it wasn't and still isn't that any of them were better or more attractive than my partner, just that they were different, and with each occasion came the thrill of the chase and the 'fun' of being with somebody new and feeling appreciated and alive - something which was lacking from my relationship even though I knew my partner loved me dearly and I her. It was a terrible situation and one I am only now starting to confront and one my partner who is now an ex knows nothing of - and this is killing me. When we did separate, I sought to seek more women and perhaps deliberately overdosed on dates, 2, 3 or 4 women concurrently until I was sick with myself. The highs I sought, were perhaps a result of never really experimenting much when I was younger or perhaps that is my excuse, I dont know but I would dearly love this feeling of needing to seek thrills elsewhere to go away as I can see it has prevented me from ever properly committing or finding real fulfillment - in short I very much suspect your husbands feelings toward you have not changed and he loves your dearly however he like many other men have a problem which now we have found SLA are facing up to and trying to control. I wish you both strength and determination to beat and control this complex part of our human nature.
Firstly I would like to
Firstly I would like to thank you very much for your comments, I can not imagine for one minute that it could have been easy for you telling me your history. What shook me the most was that he also used the word "feeling appreciated" and "insecure" many times and untill I read your comments it did not sink in. Your experiences and my Husband are almost identical it was a slow process for him also, but this started with his first partner - lucky for her she never knew, he stopped for about 12mts when we first got together but like you he then overdosed seeing several woman many of which did not ask questions reading your letter has made so much sense,and I fully relate to the feeling of my husband never truly being with me 100% always keeping something back, he has been in recovery for 12mths now and about to attend his first SLA meeting, can I ask if your finding SLA a help?. I applaude you for seeking help and I hope that this in turn will give you a fulfiling and long term relationship. Thank you so very much.
Thank you too, I have never
Thank you too, I have never replied to anything much on the net but reading your emotional message just struck such a chord with me that I knew I needed to reply, in the hope it might help you and also to force me to think about my own issues more fully. Yes it was difficult but it was worth it. Re whether SLA is right for me or will be helpful, it is far too early for me as I only went for the first time very recently myself and I am very much still in some denial, crazy as that might seem and wondering if I can bear to open up so much or whether I can instead do this thing alone now that I have confronted myself and avoid what looks to be a long road to recovery demanding huge emotional and time commitment - yet I am sure everyone perhaps starts with these thoughts. The groups I have attended have been enlightening, there are 'normal' looking people of both sexes who appear to be finding real help and support which is extremely encouraging. My problem also first started with my previous partner, but I had actually chosen to forget this until I started recalling and making a list this week, I guess I have been closing each liaison off in my mind and forgetting them as if it didn't happen. I hope one day I can do that, but right now I wonder if I must or can bear the pain of reliving in therapy and revealing to others, especially if I ever need or have to with my ex - this would likely destroy her and may be better left un said, there is no easy solution. However we are still in contact and with feelings which does complicate things. On the positive you and your husband have faced up to the problems together and I think this is so important and will provide real hope for the future and support for him to succeed. Actually as I finish this I realise that yes, SLA has helped me already as this site is part of SLA and reading your plea for help has done so much to force me to confront my own demons, as well as bring comfort in hearing my response has in some way helped you - that is the power that sharing and having open honest communications can bring, but that we understandably find so hard to do with those closest to us. Remember if he is anything like me, the 'other sex' was only ever momentarily exciting if at all, the hurt always greater and I and probably your husband genuinely divorce sex with others from love or feelings,I didn't have real feelings for any of them and didn't want to, it was just an act and release and that is how I justified it. This will sound stupid and is not meant in a trivial way when I say try not to take it personally, most men and women I believe really do view sex and love in different ways - not an excuse but my experience. Thank you for helping me too and best wishes to you and your husband as your gradually beat this thing, take care.