Our RSS feed
I feel so lost...
I am an attractive girl in my twenties and going through a very painful separation from my fiance and father of my child. I have always had a very high sex drive which no boyfriend had ever managed to entirely satisfy, but I had never been unfaithful before this relationship, even though this is the most meaningful relationship i have ever had. And somehow ive found myself in a path to complete self destruction through compulsive sexuality, its like something takes over me. Its just made me absolutely loathe myself. The first time it happened was some years back when my boyfriend kissed a girl. It made me lose respect for our relationship and removed my drive to be faithful. instead i was just out for sex. it normally happened when i was drunk and i would just throw myself upon a man, generally an acquaintance who I know would not kick me out of bed, or on other occasions I would just give in to men who pestered me, sometimes men I completely loathed. I felt so sick with myself. my boyfriend and i broke up and when we got back together i got pregnant and the behaviour stopped, i was blissfully happy and stopped focussing on sex. but unfortunately, m boyfriend/ fiance has never been a particularly sexual person, in fact he was a very selfish lover and my sexual frustration just kept mounting even though i still loved him dearly. one day i went to a gig alone and met some guys on the bus and went back to theirs to smoke some weed and i wsa very drunk. one of them kept pestering me and eventually i gave in. i simply could not believe myself, i absolutely felt such remorse and disgust, i had to push it to the back of my mind and carry on trying to be a family. months went by until a friend and i started flirting, and i became more enthralled with him. one night at a party we ended up having crazy drunken sex and i woke up filled with horror and guilt and pain, but also with a strange sense of excitement once id realised i had gotten away with it, and im so ashamed to admit to this. I couldnt get him out of my head. I absolutely fancied him so much, there was very strong chemistry between us. we started an affair and in reality, i wanted to be his girlfriend, but could not easily break up my family. he made me feel alive and sexy and i just craved him so much. i felt enormously afraid and guilt ridden as i had never had an affair before, but i was falling in love. One day he withdrew from me, afraid of the seriousness of breaking up a family, and he started being very cold and generally horrible to me, which devastated me. i had to pretend nothing was happening as none of our friends knew. when i realised i wasnt imagining his withdrawal i got extremely drunk and forced myself upon a friend i knew fancied me. and thus it began. i slept with endless men. it was as if id gone on a massive rebound but i was still in a relationship, and completely out of control. my boyfriend was the last person in the world i wanted to have sex with. i know i am attractive and i always knew i could have most of my male acquaintances if i wished, and i just went around flirting shamelessly and bedding loads of them, and i enjoyed the sex and the thrill of being with someone new, feeling wanted and appreciated. i just wanted to feel passion again, i wanted to be passionately in love, i wanted the connection. instead i just found pain and shame and lies and self reproach and i could see this behaviour was going to catch up with me and i felt terrified because i never wanted to hurt my family, my boyfriend, our child. even though i was no longer in love with him i still absolutely adore him and i hate myself for not being in love with him anymore, i feel so stupid, he is absolutely amazing, he is everything a girl could dream of, and what do I do? i lie and lie and lie and cheat and i break his heart. anyway, one day the guy i was having an affair with comes on to me again, and even though id told myself i wasnt gooing to sleep with him again for all the pain he made me feel, i was sooooo happy, he still liked me after all, he hadnt stopped feeling attracted to me. Id made my peace with the fact we couldnt be together but i still wanted him so much. then one day he starts going out with one of my best friends, perhaps the only person who knew i had feelings for him. my world fell apart. i was completely broken hearted, i stopped seeing my friends because i knew theyd be there and id have to pretend it didnt destroy me seeing them together. i went into complete depression. then i found out i was pregnant by my boyfriend but had an abortion because i couldnt have another child with a man i wasnt in love with. that completely devastated me. when this guy and my friend got together i hurt even more for the state i allowed myself to get into, the horrific way i behaved because deep inside i just wanted him. i hit rock bottom and decided i wanted to stop being this way once and for all. in this time i met someone i really like and who i have so much in common with, a real psychic connection, and a real affection and he feels the same. it took us months and months to have sex, and it really isnt the main point of our relationship but it just gets better and better. my fiance found out and we split up which is breaking my heart but again, in this haze of pain and guilt and shame, i have already slept with two male friends! even though i really like the guy im with! I feel i have no control of myself! I really really need help. I dont know who to turn to. I am ruining my life and myself. sometimes i feel suicidal, and at the same time i am so fixated with sex, i just want it all the time. HELP. :-(
m f: Hello, im seeking
m f: Hello, im seeking help from this forum!!! My head all feels mashed up, at 13 my Dad sexually felt me, this went no further that i can remember but i can not remember a lot from my childhood,i do remember tantrums and bad things like been smacked aggressively and spiraling out of control and i still do to this day. 4 years ago my sister to whom is 2 years younger opened up and told my husband and i that my dad sexually assaulted and abused her, but to a more indepth way, yes she was`nt strong enough to fight him off. This mentally tortured me and tipped me over the top with clinical deppression and i was on prozac for sometime. The only way i could deal with getting myself better was to cut off my whole family and get on with my immediete family, husband and two kids. This was difficult as the pain got worse and worse, i reacted towards my husband that i did not feel loved, he didnt find me attractive anymore, im felt ugly and worthless and looking back this was all in my head, in a way i was torturing myself and my family. I seeked love and affection from anyone possible that showed me any kind signs that they wanted me. I am still spiraling out of control to this day, i have been going to Amsterdam every 3 weeks to escape from my life and leave my problems at home, i met a dutch guy who thought i was the bees knees and slept with him. He wants me to go and stay with him and evens wants to marry me and look after me forever, yes all this happened in one weekend!!!and he wants me to move in with him. Well it gets worse, i had arguement with my husband and booked a one way ticket there and all set to go, my husband and i had talk and i told him that i slept with this guy, he wants to know everything, and he still wants me after everything ive done, and now he is trying harder and buying me prezzies and always wants to be with me and tells me he loves me all the time. I feel a right cow, to what ive done but i needed the love and affection to which i was lacking. I still hear from the dutch guy and he phones about 6 times a day and is besotted, he loves me and i think i love him, or is it lust....please help. mf
If you look at the
If you look at the characteristics of a sex or love addict it may help you work things out. Go to the Is SLAA FOR ME section on the left of the webpage and scroll down to characteristics. Read these and they will help you decide whether this is real or fantasy. You are not a "right cow" as you label yourself you are a hurt person and sadly hurt people then go on to hurt other people. It is a cycle of abuse that doesn't stop until we get into recovery. Fantasy was always a big part of my personal addiction. When I was feeling bad or sad or I had a row with my partner I fantasised about how perfect my life would be if only I could be with Mr A or Mr B orMr Z. You know what I mean. Fortunately all relationships that are worth having are worth working for and recovering for. As you state your husband seems to want to work it out with you, maybe this is right for you or maybe notmaybe the Dutch guy will be your "knight in shining armour" but I have gone through these feelings and have learned thatmy "knight in shining armour" is my higher power who I choose to call God. Your story is so similar to mine in many ways. I literally couldn't see the good man I had in front of me and instead chased the pipe dream. You cannot work this out alone though. Try to get to a meeting or any 12 step programme meeting if there is no slaa meeting near you. There will always be someone who you can identify with. You are not alone, remember this always and I and I am sure every person in slaa wishes you much happiness and peace. Try to not act out just one day at a time and all the solutions will come. I am sending good thoughts and prayers to you.
Hi Broken girl,Firstly, you
Hi Broken girl,Firstly, you have done exactly the right thing by sharing on this site and reaching out to the fellowship.By doing this you have arrived at the first step of the 12 step program, ' Admitted you were powerless over sex and love addiction.' YOu are realising that YOU on your own can't control your behaviour; otherwise you'd simply stop; you have realised that it may take something bigger than you to make sense of these compulsions.I strongly suggest you find a meeting to attend and listen to the stories of the people in the meeting; look for the similarities and not the differences, if you look around on this site at the other peoples shares, you will begin to see that despite gender, that peoples stories have common themes of desperation, pain and anguish over this tenacious, powerful, cunning and baffling dis-ease called sex and love addiction. It's also a progressive condition which WILL get worse if not treated.The power of the addiction is partly down to denial; if you deny you have a problem then you have a 100% of that problem, if you surrender to the fact that you have a problem and have a desire to stop acting out a pattern of sexual and romantic intrigue, then you have much less of that problem.I hope this makes sense to you, i realise you are in a lot pain at the moment but try and take one day at a time, find a meeting and remember you're not alone.God BlessSpenderHi, i have included my previous response to a recent post, verbatim, because i feel it's relevant to your situation and i sometimes my connection times out before i get to send lengthy responses!You certainly seem to have some self awareness and the ability to process emotions, something which was completley lacking in my entry into recovery.I just would like to reiterate; you are not alone, there are many who share your pain and as i mentioned earlier, i suggest you find a meeting where you can listen first hand to peoples experiences and also share your own with people who know exactly where your coming from.God Bless and stay safe Spender Don't act out and the answers will come.
Perhaps i should mention
Perhaps i should mention that I was sexually abused as a child then again as a teenager. i lost my virginity at 14 by my boyfriend although it could be described as rape. at 17 i narrowly escaped rape again. i dont know if my sex addiction is in any way related to this but i guess these are very significant sexual events. at one point i decided that the way to avoid rape was to never say no. when i had nightmares that i was going to be raped i changed it around so that i was the one coming onto the rapist, and wed have sex and i would enjoy it. Please someone help me :( I really need help!!!!
I have read your post and
I have read your post and want to help. I feel the need to stress that you should cease beating yourself up, it will only spiral into self destruction and this is not what anybody would wish for you. You are not alone and you are taking steps to address your situation so you deserve some credit. You have an obvious level of intelligence that has put you on this path and you have the desire to understand your situation. I think you simply need an outlet, somebody who will listen, I say this because I believe you have the ability to assess and resolve issues on your own accord. You already have done this given the right circumstances therefore I believe you are capable of doing it again. From what I gather you have the compulsion to react to rejection in a way that serves only to knock you back rather than forward. I do the same myself in a different way but the results are the same, we feel like we have lost control and as a result worthless. The point is that actually we don't lose control and we are worth a hell of a lot more than we put ourselves through we just don't see it ourselves, it needs pointing out. You have many good attributes, one of those is the need to be loved, Never be ashamed of this desire as it is natural. How you deal with it is another matter and I am willing to be an outlet for you and in return you could maybe be an outlet for me. Some things I just can't talk about with those I know.