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Not sure about this
I guess that's not a very descriptive topic title, but I don't know where what I want to say fits in, or even what forum it should come under really. I want to talk a little bit about me, as a kind of online share I suppose, but also raise a question, or some questions perhaps, about where I fit in slaa, or if I do.I think I do have a problem of sex and love addiction. The problem is not being able to find either of those things, which makes me more preoccupied with thoughts about it than I would otherwise be. I feel constantly lonely and depressed, if by chance I find someone who likes me enough to offer what seems like love or affection, and especially if sex happens too, I fall quickly and totally in 'love'. My head can be set in a spin even by a kiss, and then I feel totally and utterly devasted when the 'relationship' ends, as it always does, and usually in a short time. Women never seem to like me for long, I don't think I am very attractive to women anyway, and they move on. Most of them don't start. The sort that do, don't stay. I've only slept with 7 or 8 women in my entire life, and I'm 57. I don't think I'm either an Anorexic or the kind of addict that just wants one sexual partner after another. I just want to feel loved, by one person who really wants me as their life partner. At the same time I know I also fear getting too close to another person - because of the strong fear of rejection, and this has been reinforced by each new experience of rejection. Now I do feel withdrawn, like withdrawing from life really - hence chosing to post this under this topic.I guess my question is where do I fit in slaa? What sort of addict am I that just wants something which most people would regard as 'normal', but who, because he is unable to achieve it, is withdrawn, depressed and 'addictive'? I seem to have a problem which others don't - those in slaa seem to be mostly those starting from the point of having had too much - sex anyway - and those that are starting from the point of not wanting a relationship at all - anorexic. Perhaps that is an unfair summary. Is there anyone else who feels they had nothing more than a normal level of desire for sex, love and affection to begin with, but became addictive because they were never able to achieve the kind of healthy relationship they wanted - ie addictive behaviour arose through the failure of relationships rather than their relationships failed because of addiction? Or am I even really being honest with myself in thinking things have happened that way round? I don't know.Me
Hi me, thank you for
Hi me, thank you for sharing. Its a difficult thing to do even if it is only anonymous typing and I really respect the honesty of what you have said. I am always reluctant to say whether someone belongs in this fellowship or not as its a very personal decision but as someone who is a sex and love addict to the very core I can say that I got alot of identification from what you said particularly the idea of "falling in love" (I put this in inverted commas as for me it is never really falling in love it is simply emeshment and fear of abandonment in a not very convincing disguise!)very quickly and the devastation of relationships coming to an end. I think the key is that sla is different in everybody and manifests itself in so many different ways but if you have reached a point where this area of your life is causing you alot of pain it is something worthy of looking at closely. On a practical level, if you have doubts and confusion, I would suggest the following. A great place to start is the 40 questions of self diagnosis on this site. This is a very telling exercise and extremely helpful in providing clarity around whether or not the fellowship is for you. Most importantly I would say - get to a meeting if you can. You needn't say anything but just sit and listen and see if you identify. It was suggested to me that I attend six meetings before making a decision about whether this was for me and I think thats a fair number, any less and you can't really get a clear picture. Talk to people before and after the meetings too especially those who you hear share and identify with. The fellowship is amazingly supportive and you will find that most who are able are willing to talk to newcomers. At the meetings you will also be able to purchase literature, again a great way of learning about the addiction and seeing how you do or don't fit into it. I really wish you well with this, as I said, I am always reluctant to comment on someones addictions but I have a strong feeling you may get an awful lot out of this fellowship if you give it a go. You sound like you are in a lot of pain, I feel it because I too have been there and I know how awful it is. I wish you luck with this and hope you too find what so many of us have been lucky enough to.
Thankyou for your honest
Thankyou for your honest share.
I found lots of identification with what you shared. I have been attending SLAA for over a year now. I originally felt that I was more of a "sex" addict than a "love"addict, but have come to realise that actually I am very much a love addict. I identify with your post as it suggests you too are a love addict. I fall for anyone who shows any interest in me whatsoever, All this is anappriate as I am married with kids, and dont need anyone "on the side". However, I become completely infactuated with anyone who will show me interest. This "love" addiction drives me completely nuts. The intrigue that this generates dominates my time, and makes me very down.SLAA has really helped to treat this. Although most guys seem to have "sex" addiction at the top of their list, I expect that the love addiction that follows is just as strong and just as debilitating. The 40 questions as outlined earlier would be a good place to start. I would definately advise attending some SLAA meetings where you will feel at home! Prof.
I always knew I was addicted
I always knew I was addicted to people. The sex wasn't ever really the issue although there is no doubt I used it as a fix during my life. I also feel that the loveside of the SLA is my primary reason for being in the fellowship, although I am coming to realise that I also am love avoidant, fantasist and somewhat anorexic. It is a lot to take in ME but the best thing to do is get to meetings. If you live in London or one of the larger cities then you are lucky. If not advertise on theactive forum topics for someone to set up a meeting with you. Your not alone.