I don't know how to start, but I am currently at university. Recently
started chatting to a guy who I have always known to say hello to but
never spoken to properly before, and we connected amazingly. We started
just chatting on MSN and both grew to like each other so so much, it
was going really well, so a week ago after a few dates the week before
hand decided to embark on a relationship together which was great,
connected amazingly, decided not to embark on a sexual relationship for
a while, which was new to me, and had for the first time been
completely open and honest with how I felt to someone. However the
conversation of sexual history hadnt come up, although I knew he had
had several long term serious relationships, and I had only ever been
with two people I count as a relationship, one of those the guy had
another girlfriend, that I knew about, for 18 months of it, but because
he was my best friend in the entire world I believed him when he gave
me reasons he couldnt break up with her and promised me things he
couldnt keep. We eventually got together officially for a while until I
went to university, and then one day he just stopped speaking to me and
I found out he had got back with his ex. The other was a marine who I
had known for ages, only slept with the once before he went back to
afghanistan but heard from him via text and email and stuff and then he
was killed out there and I had a breakdown, more at what could have
been. Thing is with this recent guy who I really really like, and who I
know likes me too I told him the fact I had slept with 45 people, and
he freaked out. I had hoped that he would value my honesty, and see
that I have tried to change and in the past year have only slept with 2
people, one with whom it was repeated regularly and the other was a one
night stand, even tho he had gotten to know me and who I am he said he
could never get involved in a physical relationship with me because he
would feel dirty, and just imagine all the other people and whether he
was better etc, not to mention my slightly mental side (past history of
depression, self harming, suicide attempts and very very low self
image). I asked him about what I should do in the future and he said
lie, and that even though a relationship cant work based on lies it
also would freak any guy out to know the truth about my history. I feel
like I am doomed to be alone forever, and if thats the case all I can
think about doing is going to clifton bridge and jumping off because
whats the point of living. Every encounter hurts so much, especially
when I have got this attatched, I cant deal with more of them. If I am
this hurt after a week what would I be like after a few years. I cant
stand to feel like this and cant imagin there being any other way out
then the bridge. I have an exam tomorrow and I cant concentrate on
revision, I dont even care about it. I find it worrying how much more I
care about him then the rest of my life. please help does anyone
understand and know how I feel or am I strange, especially at such a
young age? I dont have the strength to carry on anymore.