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partner to a sla. Can anyone help?
Ive been in a relationship with a guy who has been addicted to sex. He has done well in trying to recover and move on with his life but there are still things that bother me as his partner. His addiction was so bizarre and so out of this world that he didnt see what was going on and what he was doing wrong. When i entered his life at first I didnt realize how bad he actually was. Over time it dawned on me that he had huge problems. By that time he had convinced me to do certain acts and certain things which as a woman who has given birth and as a mother were abhorrant to me. However, he was far too dominating for me to try and stop him and it has left me damaged. I am deeply hurt and I agonize about the acts that he has had me perform. I have never spoken to anyone about this, not uttered a word as it would have been deeply humilitating. I realize now that he has made me become more like himself when in fact deep down I am not that sort of person. I am trying to leave it all behind but when we are intimate with each other this other person comes out and i feel like I am on some porn set. I feel dirty and cheap. Its degrading, humiliating and insulting. My partner doesnt know I feel like this. I have told him not to do certain things as they dont make me feel good but he will continue with what he wants. I give in, thinking it better just to go along as arguing with him isnt an option.
I really feel for you. I am
I really feel for you. I am in exactly the same position. even though my husband is now seeking help for his sla, there are things i still havent told family about as i feel, i couldnt cope with telling them and they couldnt cope with hearing. I am also trying to seek meetings of friends and familys living with a SLA, as i really need to speek to people who understand. Maybe this might help you too. Cathy
Hi,Thankyou for your share
Hi,Thankyou for your share and being so honest. It must have taken courage to do so.You didnt mention if your partner was attending a SLAA group. It would be very beneficial to him., but would require him to be honest first with how he is feeling. Does he see himself as having a problem or does he see the problem as being yours as you are not supporting him with his wishes?There are the 40 questions of diagnosis of a sex addict (http://www.slaafws.org/node/10) which I have found extremely useful in helping men "realise" that they have an addiction. Perhaps showing him that (or getting a male friend to do so) would be a good idea.Most of all, I have realised from my own recovery (I have been in SLAA a year now), that what I would like from my wife is not the same as what she wants. If she preforms what I want, then I am only fueling my fantacy which makes the addiction worse. Recently I told her to do only what she wants, in her own time. Then I can be sure that the feelings are mutual, not only mine. That has improved our relationship.Best of luckProf.
Welcome on Forum Reading
Welcome on Forum
Reading your post can see that really you forgot about yourself by helping your partner to recover and you should start thinking about yourself and what you feel and waht you want in relationship. Big problem with living with person who is addicted is to not take personally their addiction as most of the people do not understand addictions and how to behave . Everyone who did get addicted to anything did not do it on purpose it is like with a cancer you don;t want to be ill but some people do become ill. You should for yourself go on therapy to understand more and definately tell your partner about your feeling otherwhise he will not know and will behave like that as will think that everything is fine . You need to tell him where you are in all this situation as he needs to understand you and your needs .
There are groups that give
There are groups that give support to partners of sex addicts a bit like al-anon is for partners/families/friends of alcoholics.If you are in london there are many supportive fellowships that you might want to try. some deal with issues around relationships and codependency. Or you could visit your gp and tell him/her about the issue and ask for advice. I wish you well.