Trying to move forward but how...?
Hi everyone, and thanks for taking the time to read this, I'm not quite sure if I've put this in the right catagory but here goes...Cutting a very long story short, I'm now 33, due to having had my problems since becoming sexually active at 14, I've had failed relationship after failed relationship. The most recent one being one that I actually met on an adult contact site, which in itself led to knock-on problems. Now it slowly dawned on me that it's ME thats causing these problems and that I should stop doing what I do, looking for sex to make me happy/feel wanted etc, sounds funny but I have NO CLUE how to.Ever since I was 14 I have found that sex feels good, there is some kind of power in it for me, that I use it to control things. Sex has featured in every aspect of my life, and putting it simply, I don't know how to interact/socialise/make friends with people without sex coming into it at some point, whether it's just talking about it, or actually then engaging in the act itself.Sounds a pretty silly thing to ask, but just HOW do you start to meet new people when trying to approach things differently when recovering? I'd dearly love to start having a social life, meet people etc, but not make the same mistakes I kept making before. I feel like I'm completely lost and naive, I mean who DOESN'T know how to make friends when they're 33 years old for gods sake??Any input would be greatly appreciated, thankyou.
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Hmmmm well. I guess if I am
Hmmmm well. I guess if I am honest I would say look to how you were when you were younger than 14.... this is my take on things and shouldn't be taken verbatim. Anyway... what I am trying to get to is when I talk to people I try to look at them as a person and not someone who Id like to get 'jiggy' with at the earliest opportunity. I am trying myself to get back to basics. I have a host of problems that I am trying to sort and my addiction is one of the biggies.
So if you were to ask me... I would say it would be getting back to the basics... taking up a hobby or past time. Getting out into the community. Going slightly off track I think the whole global society is going to have to change in one way or another due to this new economic outlook. And its my point of view that people need to get back in touch with themselves and their wider community. Making new friends and having wholesome friendships. As much as I love sex, I know that its turned into something of a demon for me. And I need to rework my whole way of being. As daunting as that is, I know I can do it. And I am sure you can do it to Lost Girl.
Thanks Michael, I'm sure I
Thanks Michael, I'm sure I can do it too, it's just so difficult to know where to start, especially when there are no meetings in my area and I can't really afford councelling right now either. All I'm doing at the moment is avoiding all situations that could result in repeating behaviours, but how long should I do that for? It's unrealistic to think I should never have sex again, but I know for me it's never for the right reasons! I recently split with my boyfriend of 5 years, our relationship was one where we would trigger each others behaviour, in the end it became too much so I felt I needed to end it. I'm doing what you say at the moment with hobbies etc, and I'm reading so much I think I may take root! I just feel I'm stuck in an 'anorexic' rut and don't see a way to ever be normal with regards to sex. In relation to what you said about before I was 14, my mother was an alcoholic and died when I was 19, but have always completely shunned the idea of 'the sins of the fathers' and all that, and I've NEVER used my mother as an excuse for my behaviour. Do you think there is a truth to what they say about the apple never falling too far from the tree?? I appreciate your reply, so thankyou.
Hi Lostgirl, Well I reckon
Hi Lostgirl,
Well I reckon your doing the right thing by avoiding all situations that could result in repeating behaviours. How long should you do that for ? Honestly I have no idea. Good to hear your reading lots and lots... me I am writing a screenplay - well dragging a screenplay that I started over 18mths ago and getting more into the plot... I am hoping this could be a silver lining to the dark clouds that currently hang over me. I know what youre saying about - 'normal' sex. What is 'normal' who defines it ? When I think about it in the media its everywhere... TV, Internet, Magazines, Newspapers. I think the only media which is benign is Radio.
Me I am a regular on 5 Live (phoning in often!! Sad I know!!) but thinking about current affairs is something that I really find interesting.
I take an active interest in whats going on in the world. Doing this I hope will help me to try and curb my addictive sexual ways. One thing I will say is the cliché that has been portrayed about Sex Addicts Groups, as soon as I told my ex/girlfriend I was heading to Manchester for a support group meeting she immediately said that I was going there to 'pick/meet someone' of course I deserved the accusation. But crikey... what a stigma... I mean in the Movie Blades of Glory they have the Sex Addict scene and thats all clichéd and nothing like I expect it to be. From what I know its about people who want to to help themselves. But crikey... its so difficult... Worse thing for me is when my mind wanders... they say the mind is a powerful tool... and how right whoever said that was... I just have to win the internal battle that is raging in my head...
I want to be a better person.. not trawling adult contact sites, swinging sites or web cam sites looking for someone who I could get a thrill for a few hours from and then have a HUGE feeling of being low...
So what do I think about to counteract these thoughts ?? Well I have to great Sisters who in turn have children. And I think about them. My nieces and nephew. That way I am thinking good stuff! Not bad stuff... because what I have or had was a good relationship... (i hope I can save it!!)
I guess I am like that saying (although it was when she was good....) but when I am good I am very very good... and when I am bad... well its not how I want to be.
Hope some of what I am rambling on about makes sense... I guess this is 'sharing'... putting the net to good use and not sordid use... Crikey if my Mum and Dad knew... they'd be very disappointed... But we have to try and be positive... think good thoughts...
Sometimes.. when I have had a high... and then have come down to feel low and empty with myself, I think about whether the internet is a good thing? All the porn that is freely available, sex clubs, swinging nights...
Doesn't seem very wholesome when I think hard about it... It makes me feel dirty to be honest... Crikey... is it me or is this so complicated.... ????
Yep it's bloody complicated!
Yep it's bloody complicated! And it's weird because I was just thinking after I posted last the thing about the internet making it all so much easier for us to repeat our behaviours, or even for 'normal' people to start affairs...it's certainly what drove me and my boyfriend to split.I hope you(well allof us)can resist the urge and keep ourselves busy on other sites etc, and I know what you meant on your other post about being too friendly when saying goodbye at the end of a post with a kiss or something, I felt exactly the same way. It's almost like you are over-anylsing everthing, but you feel you need to in order to try and re-educate yourself in the way you go about things, if that made sense! It's just so nice to know I'm not the only one thinking and over-thinking these things through in my head, and that even though what I've been doing is wrong, that there is light at the end of the tunnel and one day maybe I can have a normal relationship.I sincerely hope you can save your relationship Michael, you sound like you love her very much and are very remorseful, trust is the one thing that starts off a small crack and ends up eating your relationship like cancer. Have you thought about going to meetings/counselling WITH her so she can gain better understanding? Or have you been there done that already?
Complicated...
Complicated... (very)...
Well this communication method is helping me to get through friday night and have a good night of being true to myself and how I want to be. And I am going to block all the adult sites on sky once I have posted this reply...
As for my girlfriend/exgirlfriend reading these posts... I think its a good idea, but I also think I need to tread carefully... let the dust settle and see how things are. I do love her. But I need to focus on trying to get through the next day or so... weve tried to talk but I just end up losing my cool and we argue. So at the moment I am down in the lounge and she is in our room (although I am in the spare room at the moment). I dont want to presume anything as I know I have hurt how so much through my actions. But I need to take small steps. Show her that I am taking the steps to get my head straight and only make the right choice.
I wont lie, when we started dating we had a long distance relationship and while I was working in London she was in the north west. When I was in London I did get my kicks on chatlines and websites - but I didnt cheat on her physically. It was the urge to satisfy my addiction... high sex drive for me then was I thought just something normal.. but now that I look back on things I know it was my drug of choice.. I drank but not a lot as I had been married to an alcoholic and that put me off drinking - i hated having drink in the house.. and while I was married, and my ex wife was out of it on booze asleep i would get my kicks online in chatrooms, and on chatlines.. and thats where I think my addiction took route. In so much as I married someone... when I didnt really love them... it was like... right Michael... your 30! youve got to get married have kids.. youve got the good job in london.. now you need a wife.. little did I know the woman I married had an alcohol problem... this in turn made me look elsewhere for ways to make me 'feel good' about myself.....
Hope this is making sense ? Also can I ask you screen name is that a reference to you as in feeling 'lost' or a reference to the TV show 'lost' ?? I only ask as I am an avid viewer of lost.. most people hate it or think its too long and has too many plot turns.... Just wondered...
Morning Michael, I'm glad
Morning Michael, I'm glad this site is helping you, it is me too now that I'm getting replies! It is like you say, completely about boredom most of the time, at the end of the day we crave comfort to ease our dislike for ourselves, and using sex to make ourselves feel better is where we are going wrong. Ever since I was young I've used either starvation/food/drugs/alcohol and sex to control the way I feel, and none of them have worked, and it's only recently that any of this occured to me which is silly really, you would've thought by the age of 33 and nothing going right for me that I would've realised that most of it is down to me and my own behaviour towards myself.The LostGirl reference is'nt to do with the series, I've never even seen it! (must be the only one on the planet who hasn't lol) And yeah, am feeling quite lost, in the sense of not knowing what to do or where to go for help...
Hey, maybe get her to read
Hey, maybe get her to read your posts even?
Have sat her reading this
Have sat her reading this last post over and over... I am split as to whether its a good idea. I am still ashamed of how I have been. And to think when I was acting out my addictive behaviour I felt so full of myself when I was on cam... I think I want to keep this communication to myself for now. I have thought this evening about what m close friends would think... I think some of them would think it was 'such a laugh' and that I was some sort of stud who got to have loads of fun with loads of women... What I really want is something wholesome. Where love is love and not some sordid aspect... but a thought has just popped into my head.. is it bad of me to have thoughts of a partner who would wear lingerie ? is that now off limits ? what are the limits ?? where are the bounderies ??
Live we've said its so complicated. I did have a relationship with a lovely girl back in the late 90's but during this relationship I lost my brother when he was knocked down by a car and killed... our relationship lasted a few months more and then I ended it... and then I went on a trip of one night stands... internet meetings and then real life meetings travelling around the UK... good when I think back to how I have been its sad. Nothing wholesome about that sort of behaviour at all.... I felt at the time it was great... a sexual exploration and how I enjoyed it then.. but now I am thinking how bad of me... there was minimal communication it was just sex... and i thought great sex... but now I think there was no connection... there was the high you get but what then... Within a few hours I was in the car and driving away... not holding the lady close... falling asleep with her close to me... No closeness....
I think I am going to sign off now... and do something so bloody analytical - I dont know if you use iTunes, well I do...and on my Mac I am adding in all the album artwork to my digital music collection... this to keep my mind off going to the sites I would usually visit (aff, fab etc etc)....
I hope you have a good weekend Lost Girl. Michael.
Sorry I missed you last
Sorry I missed you last night, hope you have a great weekend too.It's perfectly natural to want to keep this for yourself for now, especially as it's the first steps and you want to make sure you can do this before letting her down again. The cycle of knowing you're hurting someone while you're acting out, but unable to stop, then when they find out it kills you inside and makes you do it again is a hard thing to explain to someone. It seems easy to listen to that and say "Well all you have to do is stop doing it" Easier said than done, especially if you've been doing it all your life. But Hell, I'm going to give it me best shot because I want a normal relationship.Lingerie isn't a problem...Nothing is a problem until you RELY on it to get your rocks off. Lingerie sets the mood, for both, not just for the man, if the man wants his missus to wear it everytime, then she is going to feel like she HAS to wear it to please him, not coz she wants to do it to feel sexy...then she will be resentful and left feeling used. But having said that we do love wearing undies! Just trying to give you a womans perspective!I guess our whole addiction is about moderation, not excess, and knowing the cut off point and being happy with that rather than continually seeking more when all the sex/cyber/porn/drugs/alcohol etc in the world will EVER satisfy the addiction.Chin up, and take care :)