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New here and finally realised there's a problem
Well where do I start. I have finally acknowledged I have a problem after the break up of my marriage recently following yet another affair. And last night I cheated on my new partner for the second time.
I can't seem to stop cheating and hurting people. My problem is that I don't even have one night stands with strangers. I sleep with friends, ie my friends husbands, or my husbands friends. Last night it was my ex step son who is 11 years younger than me. I am horrified and so ashamed. I daren't tell my partner what has happened, but i am pretty sure word will get round eventually. He will be devastated. He is due to leave his girlfriend for me this week. I left my husband a few months ago because I felt that I was doing the right thing by him and being "honest". Despite my behaviour he still wants me back, but I can't go back, I don't really want to.
I know my "trigger" is alcohol. I get drunk and flirt outrageously but always with people I know and consider as friends. If I sleep with them or have an affair, I get such a buzz out of it.
I can't go on like this.
Any help or offer of a sponsor appreciated. i am aiming to attend a meeting when I have plucked up courage. I feel such a bad person.
Thank you
Re: New here and finally
Re: New here and finally realised there's a problem
Dear Newlifeneeded,
Before I ever went to a meeting I had this image in my mind that it would be a place with maybe a dozen people, mostly men in dirty macs and a couple of hookers. The reality is quite different, the macs are rather clean. No, but seriously, meetings, in London particularly, are well attended with often more women than men and they're all just everyday people. Really, you don't need courage to go to a meeting, you just need an open mind.
As you'll hear, the preamble suggests newcomers initially go to six meetings just to try out the different venues and the range of programme options. At meetings you'll hear stories similar to your own and you'll gain strength from realising that you are not alone and that people in this fellowship do find ways to deal with compulsive tendencies towards sex and love.
The fellowship offers a framework for recovery which, even if that sounds rather alien, is just something that you can pick up easily and apply to your daily life. Although 12 step fellowships are based around the ideas from AA, this particular fellowship has more in common with those focused on food issues. The point being that with alcohol, absolute abstinence is the only way forward. However, with food, you can't give it up or you'd die. The idea is that you learn to eat healthily and not to binge. It follows that with sex and love, we learn to make better choices in who we become intimate with and that we seek healthy relationships where sex is an expression of love, and just one aspect of the relationship, and not the only reason for it. You don't give up sex forever, you just give up the old habits surrounding it.
So really, we are learning to change our behaviour because, like you, we find the deception, the guilt and the shame too much to bear, and the hurt we inflict on others, a heavy burden on our conscience.
Going to a meeting and becoming part of this fellowship will not cure you of your pain overnight, but it will be the first step on a path that can change your life to one where you can live without the need to seek out sexual partners to boost self confidence, relieve anxieties or feed compulsive urges. In time, you'll be able to manage your life better and be more at peace with yourself because, with the help and guidance available in this fellowship, you have the opportunity to experience sobriety.
As you know from your own struggle, abstaining from sex seems impossible at present, but this necessary step is what is required to allow a perspective on your old behaviour. If, as you suggest, a new life is needed, you will have to face this challenge so that, in future, you can experience sex and love in an entirely different way. A way that enhances your life rather than degrades it.
That said, no one is suggesting that you must follow these principles from day one. Come to the meetings, hear other people share their experiences and feel comforted by the fact that you are not alone in your difficulties. Take your time and learn about how you can move toward that new life needed.
I hope this helps,
Narcissus
If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.
Thank you, that has helped a
Thank you, that has helped a lot. You were right about my idea of what a meeting may look like. Is anyone here attending the Leeds one? Is that well attended?
Well the weekend is here again and my dilemma begins again.
Do I go out and get drunk or stay in feeling really lonely. Yes I know I could go out and NOT get drunk, but that is easier said than done. Maybe I have a problem with alcohol as well. Maybe I should attend sex and alcoholics anonymous to sort myself out.
I ended my relationship with my partner yesterday, partly due to guilt of cheating on him, partly due to the fact if I see anyone else I'm not cheating on him and partly due to me needing time to get my head together and start my "recovery".
Anyway, I am babbling, don't really know how I'm feeling or what I want. Just writing it down has helped a little bit.
Thanks for listening.
Dear NewLifeNeeded, Nobody
Dear NewLifeNeeded,
Nobody can predict the size of a meeting, but poorly attended meetings tend to fold quite quickly. The Leeds meeting has been around a while now, it will no doubt have a decent turn out.
Often people attending SLAA meetings are part of another fellowship, some are from AA. Your concerns about alcohol are possibly well-founded because of the way you choose to use it as an antidote to feeling your feelings, namely the loneliness you describe. Promiscuity is also another way of blotting out anxieties too, and its potency as a short-lived anti-depressant should not be overlooked.
It is not uncommon for people with addiction issues to end up in SLAA. The reason becomes obvious when you think about it. They've given up something, such as alcohol or drugs that, despite the destructive consequences, would, in the moment, provide comfort by taking them out of themselves; out of living with the reality of their inner emotional turmoil. Take those stimulants away and the addiction seeks out other activities that provide comfort. If booze and drugs are out, what else is left? As we all know, sex makes you feel good. And so the mind of the recovering addict will home in on this free hit, open 24-hours a day.
Addictive patterns aside, alcohol makes us less inhibited. After a few drinks it's easier for us to find ourselves in situations with people we might, in more sober moments, choose to pass by. Blaming alcohol for moments we are less than proud of is understandable, but if we're regularly using this excuse, then there is likely to be a bigger problem that we're choosing not to address.
This sounds like a very difficult time for you, but it seems to be the right time. You've just ended your relationship with your partner which, given your current behaviour patterns does, at least, mean you don't have to feel guilty any more. You also mention it can be used as time to work on 'recovery'. As you're considering both AA and SLAA meetings it does seem that you are edging closer each day to starting that recovery process.
And remember, it is a process, most of us fail along the way, we're not saints. However, having experienced the difference of life with and without the support of SLAA we do keep coming back to the fellowship, because it keeps us from doing things we are likely to regret.
I hope this helps,
Narcissus
If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.
Dear NarcissusI am new to
Dear NarcissusI am new to the fellowship, and have attended the first meeting this morning, in West London, Hinde Street.I am still working out whether I am inded a love addict or both sex and love, I do know that I do seek being needed (as I feel worthless) by sacrificing my own needs and investing all my time and energy in that partner (I interestingly seem to find those that have an illness or some kind of trouble). When the relationship does not work out, the feeling of worthlessness heightnens and makes me seek out another partner even quicker.My background, I have been separated from my partner since Aug 08, it was an eight year marriage which was marred by affairs (on my part) as my emotional needs were not being fulfilled, (not only that but financial ones too). The affairs gave me a release of tension and my troubles melted away, whilst with them. I would fantasise they would come and rescue me, save me from my terrible life! At the beginning of each relationship it would start well until they got close then I would start acting negatively as so they can end it and push me away and like any self fulfilling prohecy I feel like I am a terrible person and worthy of being loved.I feel this fellowship could offer me help. I will continue to go to the meetings and try to talk to someone there!How do I recognise when I am feeling insecure and about to act negatively, sometimes this is out of my control and it just happens?Thanks for listening.Vinnette
Thank you again Narcissus. I
Thank you again Narcissus.
I pulled last night, but didn't have sex, however he was one of my friends husbands (albeit separated, but had an affair with him 6 years ago!!!) My partner is ringing to sort things out and get back together. tonight I've stayed in with a bottle of wine and watched Sex and the City and cried at what a complete mess I am and what I've made of things. My husband still wants me back. I'm not some gorgeous looking woman either, I have about 6 men on the go, either talking, having sex or just flirting texts etc.
I am trying to "cleanse" myself of each and every one of them, but can't cos I'm scared of hurting them, despite how much I am hurting.
Does this make sense to anyone, cos it certainly doesn't to me. I can't even tell my very closest friends because when it's all said out loud it is sordid, seedy and disgusting. In reality I get a kick and feel wanted. And you know what, tonight, I'm on my own, feeling really low, and who can I speak to........no one, cos all the men in my life are with their families and wives and girlfriends. Says it all really, doesn't it.
Babbling again, thank you for listening. I will try to sort out going to a meeting soon. I think I need it.
x
You ask if this makes any
You ask if this makes any sense. If you begin to recognise that you are most likely a sex and love addict, then the patterns of behaviour you describe make a lot of sense.
People find themselves attending meetings because they have hit rock bottom and they feel they can't go on doing the same things for exactly the same reasons you describe. And they attend meetings because, like you, they get a kick out of this behaviour, but it comes at a price which, again, as you suggest, means that they start to live a secret life that they won't dare to share with their friends because of the shame surrounding this compulsive behaviour.
At meetings, the relief you will experience from hearing others tell of their experiences, and sharing your own, will raise your spirits more than you could imagine because you will have people to talk to about your difficulties and you will not feel alone in your struggle. Don't delay going to a meeting because, when you do finally go (and it seems inevitable that you will), you will only end up wishing you'd gone sooner.
It would seem that things are not getting any better at home with a bottle of wine, and if you're serious that a new life is needed, perhaps the best chance of achieving this is to try something different.
Narcissus
If you always do what you've always done, you always get what you've always got.